introducing me + navigating the "bad writer" guilt when you just can't write
in this edition of emma wrote what, I'm waving hello and diving into the difficulty of writing through mental and physical health
Wait, Emma Wrote What Now?
Hi! This is Emma and welcome (finally) to my newsletter! I could do a proper introduction where I like say hello (wait I already did that oops) and do the drum roll, but instead, I’ve decided to just crack into it.
Soooo today I’ll be introducing myself and talking about writing! More specifically, the difficulty of carving out that time to write when you’re juggling mental and physical health. This, given the subject of this newsletter, is ironic since finding the time to sit down and write this was a challenge in itself! Without further ado, welcome to a newsletter that hopefully makes you say “emma wrote what?” *ba dum tisss*
First Things First: Meet The Narrator
If you follow me online, you probably only really know me from what I post on twitter. (Which, if you do follow me, hi!! *waves*) Regardless, it is time for a proper introduction.
Hi, I am Emma Ilene. I mainly post about my writing, the books/movies I’m currently binging, or just my daily mundane. But, I’m also a querying YA fantasy writer and bookseller! A new exciting addition to that list is I’m suiting up to enter self-publishing with one of my YA fantasy books, so definitely stay tuned for more updates in that department! I’ll probably talk more about my wips in future newsletters so keep an eye out for that ;)
When I’m not writing, I love watching a good episode of trash reality television and taking my dog, Bella, on walks. When I’m feeling really cool, I’ll light a candle, turn on music, and read.
Phew! Now that that is out of the way, we can crack into what this newsletter is really about:
Next Up: Where’s the time to write?
This is a very gloves off newsletter for me as it’s something I haven’t really talked about yet. But you know what they say, there’s no time like now!
Writing has always been something I love doing. I looooove tearing into a draft, looooooove just putting my headphones on and losing myself in sentences and commas and just blissful literary insanity. In 2021, I finished the first draft of my manuscript, revised it, revised it some more, then sent it out to agents. It was a busy year and I got a lot done! I was really thriving off just living in my fictional worlds and being all-around productive. I was drafting a steady couple thousand words a day, revising chapters as fast as I could spit them out, and tweaking my query letter non-stop! I even figured out how to write a synopsis (everybody clap, I never want to do it again sob). The final cherry on top was that I was also in the best place I’d been mentally in years. I was truly on the top and felt like I could rattle the universe. Which meant, from a story structure point of view, it was time for my third act breakdown.
Cue the third-act meltdown because things are going too well for our protagonist (me).
Enter the Calm before the storm
By the time my 2021 came to a close, I looked towards 2022 with BIG hopes for the year. For one, I wanted to draft a new wip in 6 months which if you know me I am a bit of a slower drafter. This was ambitious definitely, but boy did I want to do it. January came, I made my outline, pulled out my keyboard, and kind of just got to it. But pretty quickly, the words stopped flowing. I went back to the story, reworked it, and tried again. Annnnnd failed again. Bleh.
Meanwhile, in my alter ego life, school picked up a bit and, as I had another book out in the querying trenches, the incoming rejections were stinging. (I think a lot of querying writers can agree imposter syndrome is a real killer, and boy was I feeling it). Feeling put out and unable to sort through what this new story NEEDED in order for it to become the story I wanted to tell, I decided to just take a break and refuel.
I do this by basically not touching the draft at all and binging other forms of storytelling. So, I devoured a couple of huge fantasy series, then some romcoms, and in June I came back to the document. This is when the magic happened. No, I wasn’t banging out 2,000, 3,000, or 5,000 words a day like I was used to, but at least I was getting something out, right? One new word every day is better than zero! Even better, my outline started taking shape. Gaps filled themselves in and new ideas for the story started circulating. I spent most of the summer months slowly drafting when I could, and reworking the story in other spare moments. When school resumed, I figured it would be just like 2021 and I would punch out the story in the fall and then edit in the spring. If all went to plan, I’d have a new shiny manuscript by the new year.
Hahahahahahahaha.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
That did not happen.
Current me looking back at 2022 hopeful me:
No, instead, my fall kind of looked like this?
The Storm, or should I say the house fire?
Yep, you guessed it. My house was on fire, my crops were dead, and my fields were empty!!! Mentally, my health plummeted. Couldn’t stand to think about my wips even though just a few months before I had wanted to draft so badly. Like, for instance, I started drafting this newsletter in December of 2022. I am releasing it in June 2023 because now is when I finally had the peace of mind to work on it. Overall, It was so, so disheartening for me to feel completely out of sorts with my work. I really felt like I failed myself.
On top of all that, I got a slew of sicknesses which left me pretty much out of commission! Yay! My physical health didn’t get much better. I realized I had been experiencing chronic fatigue as a result of a newly diagnosed chronic illness. With this diagnosis, I realized that the reason I wasn’t writing wasn’t because I was a bad writer (to the shock of my imposter syndrome, of course).
I was a good writer. But my mental and physical health were debilitating me from getting back to my craft.
Which made me think about how online publishing circles can make people feel. When you see everyone online saying how they punched out 20k in a day or did this somehow-impossible-thing-yet-they’ve-accomplished-it-and-made-it-sound-so-easy, I think it’s hard for us *not* to compare ourselves to it. Which, I know isn’t fair to me. The past six months for me personally have been riddled with anxiety, a crippling class schedule, and bad physical + mental health. This isn’t the case for everyone. Which, duh? But it can still be hard to come to terms with the fact that while others are making progress, you’re not. And what made this obstacle worse for me was, my road blockade wasn’t due to lack of motivation.
I wanted to write so badly, but I just couldn’t. My day revolved around school, nap, eat, sleep, repeat. I was so frustrated. I didn’t want to be dealing with my chronic illnesses, didn’t want to be dealing with my anxiety, didn’t want to be dealing with my depression! I just wanted to write! I wanted to be the 2021 emma who sat down and could write 2-3 chapters in a sitting without getting distracted or tired.
When I shared these frustrations with one of my close writer friends (love ya haley), she pointed me toward the spoon metaphor. I had no idea what she was going on about (I mean what could spoons have to do with writing, right?) Apparently, a lot.
So, go grab some spoons (or don’t I really can’t make you do it) but at least just visualize holding some spoons!
Okay, so let’s say you have 10 spoons in your possession and the person sitting next to you (who we will call Person A) might have 20. Now list all your daily activities. Waking up, getting out of bed, eating, writing, socializing, etc. Each of these costs a spoon to accomplish. If you and Person A do all the same exact activities throughout the day until you reach the end of your list, you will find that you will run out of spoons long before they do. This is because they have more energy, or spoons, to give on their day-to-day than you do. While they can accomplish 20 things with ease, you’re max is 10!
And here’s the kicker that made my jaw drop to the floor: that is okay.
Some days you will have 10 spoons, some days you will have 50, others you might have just one, lonely spoon that you should definitely use to treat yourself to a slice of cake. But it doesn’t matter because it is okay! It’s fine! If the one thing you take away from my musings in this newsletter please let it be this: it is okay to be out of spoons.
Call me a sap, but when I first read this metaphor I started to cry. Yep, on the floor. Good little sob. Probably should throw in a *head pat* here too.
It’s just, I had been going months criticizing my work ethic, asking myself why couldn’t I just write, and really just beating myself up. And even though I knew I was juggling health-related things alongside my writing and school and generally chaotic life, that didn’t silence the voice in my head whispering all the bad in my ear. That is until this metaphor really got it across. I wasn’t a horrible writer who would never finish her draft, I was just a girl without any more spoons to give.
I started taking care of myself more, sought help, and now writing has slowly come back to me. (Which means I get to work on that book I’ll be querying now! And work on my indie publishing goals I mentioned earlier in this newsletter. yay!) But in times when you feel yourself slowing, lean on your friends. The ones who write and the ones who don’t. Sometimes getting a break from the pub industry can help too!
So, be kind to yourself. Count your spoons. Remind yourself you got this. Write when you can, but don’t be upset with yourself when you can’t. Mental and physical health are a tricky beast. Try to treat yourself with grace and compassion for me.
Until next time gang,
emma (wrote what?!)